The Issue of Consent

Every January I look back at the year in practice and reflect on prominent themes. In 2024 a large number of women talked about their experiences concerning the issue of consent. My practice included, among other things, cases of coercion, stalking, rape, psychological and physical abuse.

Experienced, as I am, in working with trauma and its effects, the sharp learning curve about how these cases are handled is staggering. As the socio-political landscape continues to change, so do women’s voices; however, what isn’t changing is the system that is supposed to listen to them.

Women are speaking up more and yet there is still work to do on raising awareness for everyone. Many people know that very few cases of crimes against women are reported and those that are rarely make it to court. The general demeanour of women I’ve been working with is that there isn’t much point in trying or they go to the police, having to fight to be taken seriously and the therapy becomes about the impact of being silenced or not being heard.

I’ve heard women talk about being coerced, manipulated, controlled, raped, threatened with death, violence, stalked, followed, abused verbally, financially, emotionally, physically and even spiritually. Horrifying disclosures became a prominent theme in 2024. It’s like a post pandemic cataclysm. One thing that I’m determined to do is raise awareness about boundaries and more specifically, consent. What is is important to recognise is that people don’t often know when they’re being manipulated. It can feel like part of a relationship and things usually escalate.

This isn’t just about women. Men are affected too. My Wife My Abuser a powerful documentary about the systematic abuse of a man by his wife was heart breaking. He finally spoke out after his best friend encouraged him. Having been brave enough to capture footage of his wife abusing him, physically, emotionally and mentally, he went to the police in a bid to protect his children and ultimately himself.

The insidious nature of manipulation and coercive control are the carbon monoxide of relationships, it cannot be detected. To help people become more aware, knowledge is power and boundaries are essential in establishing it. A common topic is the issue of consent. Consent is involved in many aspects of relationships and day to day life. Saying no is often difficult for some people and this can be where things get blurred.

In some relationships there can be a power dynamic that stems from a traumatic childhood experience that made it difficult to challenge the parent or caregiver. Many children like this went quiet because they quickly learned that speaking up resulted in more abuse. One of the biggest problems I see as a therapist is how people have grown used to being treated badly and have a high tolerance for abuse. They haven’t been shown what constitutes consent or what boundaries are.

What consent is and how it is obtained needs to be a conversation we are having with our young people. In a culture that conditions women to be passive and allows priority to be given to men, there needs to be education around how to speak up when it comes to consent. In many cases women saying no are being made to feel obliged and end up capitulating much to their regret when they eventually realise what’s happened to them and an education later in life ensues. Becoming familiar with the language is a good start.

The delineations of domestic violence, intimate partner violence, sexual violence and domestic abuse are intertwined. Women’s Aid describe domestic abuse, “We define domestic abuse as an incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading and violent behaviour, including sexual violence, in the majority of cases by a partner or ex-partner, but also by a family member or carer.” Rape Crisis UK say, “At Rape Crisis England & Wales, we use the term 'sexual violence' to talk about anything sexual that happens to someone without their consent or that they didn't want. This can be something sexual that involved physical contact or no physical contact.”

What is consent? The Oxford English Dictionary says, “Consent is defined as agreement or permission to do something. It can also refer to an official document that grants permission. 

As a noun

• Consent can refer to permission to do something, especially when given by an authority figure. For example, "The written consent of a parent is required". 

• Consent can also refer to agreement about something. For example, "She was chosen as leader by common consent". 

• Consent can also refer to an official document that grants permission. 

As a verb 

• Consent can refer to agreeing to something or giving permission for something. For example, "He reluctantly consented to the proposal".

In the context of medicine 

• Consent can also refer to agreement to undergo medical treatment or participate in medical research. This is known as informed consent.”

  
  

Sexual consent according to The Crown Prosecution Service  says, “Consent is defined by section 74 Sexual Offences Act 2003.

• Someone consents to vaginal, anal or oral penetration only if s/he agrees by choice to that penetration and has the freedom and capacity to make that choice.

• Consent to sexual activity may be given to one sort of sexual activity but not another, e.g.to vaginal but not anal sex or penetration with conditions, such as wearing a condom.

• Consent can be withdrawn at any time during sexual activity and each time activity occurs.

Investigating the suspect, it must be established what steps, if any, the suspect took to obtain the complainant’s consent and the prosecution must prove that the suspect did not have a reasonable belief that the complainant was consenting. There is a big difference between consensual sex and rape. This aide focuses on consent, as allegations of rape often involve the word of the complainant against that of the suspect. The aim is to challenge assumptions about consent and the associated victim-blaming myths/stereotypes and highlight the suspect’s behaviour and motives to prove he/she did not reasonably believe the victim was consenting. We provide guidance to the police, prosecutors and advocates to identify and explain the differences, highlighting where evidence can be gathered and how the case can be presented in court.”

Claire’s Law, the domestic violence disclosure scheme introduced in 2014, is where women can exercise the ‘right to ask’, where they can request information from the police about a potential abuser. There is also the 'right to know', which, in certain circumstances, permits police to disclose information to the public. It is intended to reduce intimate partner violence. Clare's Law is named after Clare Wood, a woman murdered in England by a former domestic partner who police knew to be dangerous, Wikipedia (2025).

The number of stalking cases involving ex-partners is high and cybercrime is new arm of the law that requires its own special training and enforcement. Research suggests that a significant portion of stalking cases involve ex-partners. The Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) in the UK found that most stalking offences were committed by abusive ex-partners. The Suzy Lamplugh Trust says, “This organisation reports that 87% of their stalking victims were stalked by ex-intimates.” How likely is it that stalking escalates to murder?

Suzy Lamplugh disappeared in 1986 and was legally declared dead and presumed murderd in 1993. “The last clue to Lamplugh's whereabouts was an appointment to show a house in Shorrolds Road to someone she called Mr. Kipper. The case remains unsolved with Lamplugh still missing, and is considered the world's biggest-ever missing person's inquiry” Wikipedia (2025).

How many women are at risk? An article in The Guardian pledged to report on every women allegedly killed by men in the UK in an attempt to raise awareness. A huge number of cases go unheard and unreported. The article tells the stories of 80 women who died in the UK in 2024. An alarming number women are killed by an ex partner.

A study by the University of Gloucestershire found that stalking was present in 94% of 358 homicides they examined. Another study found that stalking was related to homicide in 15% of cases involving men stalking women in the workplace. Research by Jane Monckton-Smith found that stalking was present in 94% of ex-intimate partner homicides.

If you have been affected by any of the issues here, seek help.

National Stalking Helpline 0808 802030

Rape Crisis Uk 0808 500 222

I run a workshop periodically that covers all of the above. You can contact me to register for a place here.